I’ve not blogged anywhere other than Unspun Heroes for about six months. Nothing. No words. No pics. I dried up.
I stopped working. I finished my MSc and then stopped learning.
I stopped.
That time away has been a sort of grieving, I think. The loss of who I was and what I stood for as a ‘worker’. The loss through becoming a new me, a more systemic thinker. Also, the loss of life as I knew it through the pandemic. A large unpaid invoice, which to date – over a year on – remains unpaid despite promises made. A lot of loss to process.
I don’t necessarily think that I have processed that loss. However, I have definitely processed how I feel about that loss. I’ve done the denial, the anger, the acceptance. I am done with losing.
A few weeks ago I did some work for someone. I like to think I did it well – and they were very happy. It reminded me that I can do things and I am good at them. It also reminded me that I’m not really a fan of that old me and I can’t go backwards.
The record label was the start of a new me. Financially, it’s going to take a long time to ‘work’ for me. If ever. Yet, I think I need to start doing more of these experiments. To try things. To put myself out there. To fail and to succeed. To learn more about what it is that I can do well enough to want to keep doing.
Because, if I’m honest, I miss taking action and making stuff happen. No matter how small. To engage with the world in an attempt to make it different, however small that difference is. And to make that difference a positive one.
And so, even though I am not going to put a number on it, I’m going to start blogging again. At Formation London and here. And do more at Unspun Heroes. I love writing, the process and practice of it. It used to be a daily practice. The same with music. I think that I need to get back towards that. To make it part of my routine again.
To get back to being me.