Ups And Downs

This past week has been one of some major decisions. Not about work, but about something quite personal.

Back in 2016, I was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Thankfully, I was able to undergo surgery and extensive chemotherapy and radiotherapy and made a recovery. However, following that treatment, I had some additional challenges.

One of those was the subsequent diagnosis of a rare form of lymphoma. So I swapped one cancer for another.

The treatment I have had to undergo since has some fairly hideous side effects in rare situations. When a side effect is listed as rare, it means that fewer than one in 10,000 people suffer with it.

One of medications had a severe side effect listed: death. Yes! It actually listed that. As I’m typing this, you can be sure I didn’t have such a severe side effect. The rare side effect I did suffer from was crippling depression. In the end I had to stop taking this particular medication because it made me suicidal.

Now, during this time in 2022, I was studying for my MSc, and I managed to achieve a distinction for my module, so even while I was at the lowest depths I was riding some fairly good highs. It took a lot for me to get through that period, but I did. Working, studying and just getting on with living was harder than I can possibly describe.

I stopped those medications in September 2022 and had a period of waiting to see what happened. Well, I got some tumours that required intervention (localised radiotherapy) and then undertook some light therapy over the winter. Basically, free sunbeds from the NHS twice a week for six months.

These really lifted my mood but firing UV rays at your skin regularly isn’t recommended. So, I went on to a type of immunotherapy. Unfortunately, the side effect of this was depression. Culmulative, though. It’s been about six months of this and last week I found myself contemplating not being here. I don’t want to undermine just how dark the clouds in my head were, but equally I knew what was happening and why and so I knew I could get these clouds to lift.

The downside to this is the same as before: the cancer will progress.

However, I’ve gone from feeling permanently exhausted and crushingly depressed to feeling relatively normal. I can consider a future with me in it.

As the UK goes through unprecedented levels of anxiety (some self-inflicted), it’s good to see there can be light at the end of the very dark tunnels. But it isn’t like this for everyone.

This year has been really hard. After being gaslit by a previous client and then not paid a considerable sum of money by them, all while feeling mentally rotten, hasn’t been easy. I’ve fallen out of love with my work, even as I come to understand I am actually not too bad at doing it.

So, I’m going to rebuild my mental health and also work out what to do next in terms of earning money. Or rather, what I will do next in terms of the type of work I want to do – the money is less of a thing. I won’t work beneath my worth, though, but I will accept less than others may for a chance to learn and to move forward.

There’s every chance I’ll end up working in Tesco, which is fine, btw. I’m not a snob about earning money. However, I think I’ve got more to offer than my physical energy. Plus, my ability to work full-time is diminished by my illness and its ongoing treatment. However, part-time or contract or temporary all works.

So, I’m looking out for interesting things to do. Alongside Unspun Heroes, of course. That’s continuing while I have some money to throw at it. And if not, it’ll go into hibernation until such time I can put some funds towards the next release.

I’m hopeful 2025 has more ups than downs. A reversal of 2024, so far.